Where Twin Stars Meet the Moon
A poem for pregnancy loss awareness month about my recent miscarriage of our twin stars, our last embryos from IVF we lost due to an unjust mental healthcare system
Infertility
4 Coping Strategies for Infertility During the Holidays
On Christmas day, after an agonizing two week wait following in-vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments in New York, I’ll find out whether or not I’m pregnant. I didn’t plan it this way, my heart palpitating with anxiety during an already tender time, and yet like so many things with infertility, it was outside my control. For
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A Missionary’s Guide to Peace in Unrest
This entire year has been a year of clenching. Body curled inward, tight. Neck stiff, shoulders closed. Like many of you, it began with a move. Transition. That cavernous word. As global nomad’s, we call many places home and movement seems to be our mantra. Whether welcome or unwanted, whether reentering after living on the field, being
The End of Mom Shaming
“And when I reveal my true heart, not everyone is going to approve. What I know now is that I don’t need them to.” ― Alicia Keys, More Myself – We sit cross legged sifting white shells through our fingers, tracing the grooves like braille. My son is on the towel in front of me as I rest
Surviving Infertility: The Other Side of Grief
Sometimes I can forget. How long I fought for him. How much grief I endured. This morning I held my son against my chest and breathed in his blonde hair, as if trying to inhale him into my body. He’s 17 months now, he’s a toddler tottering around on beach paths and mouthing words, throwing fits
The Pretty Little Lies We Tell About Motherhood
Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be. I hate even saying that. Eight weeks in and I’m dreaming of a Mexican beach. Completely alone. No tiny fingernails digging into my flesh. If you’ve seen my Instagram feed then you know I had a baby. A long awaited, long fought for baby. A baby I
Why Being Perfect Cannot Save Us
I want so badly to do this perfectly. It’s like somewhere inside I believe if I do all the “right things” I can keep the bad things at bay. I hold tightly to this belief like a child gripping a flashlight to chase away the monsters under the bed. Almost 8 months pregnant, I plan
What I Learned From a Pregnancy Dream Fulfilled
I got to see my baby today. He’s eight weeks and the size of a wild strawberry, tiny as a jelly bean with little limbs. The heart is already flickering at 172. I’d never seen my baby’s heartbeat. I’d never had a happy ultrasound. On the black and white screen this rainbow baby was hanging out upside
When You’ve Already Failed at Your Resolutions
Day three into the new year and I’m already failing. At least those are the thoughts I woke up with. There’s nothing like New Year’s resolutions to send you into a shame spiral, where you start hand fisting Oreos while trying to fit everything on your calendar. I’m not unfamiliar with failure. I spent New
Unexpected: How to Hold On When God Shuts a Door
We stumbled upon the circled labyrinth in the dark. We were in nowhere Gardnerville, Nevada on a road trip hoping to soothe the sting out of disappointing news. It sparked joy inside me. Remembrance of other times in Colorado I’d traced the paths that led me Home to God and myself. Stone cuts against sand.
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Anxiety and How Every Bitter Thing is Sweet
I haven’t been writing much lately. Life happened. I’d wanted to fall into summer’s sandy shores and slowed time with abandon. But mostly I got anxiety and tumult. I’m not a busyness lover, I’m a stillness lover. I always know I’m not doing well when the ink from my pen dries up. I hit a deep soul weariness
These Unfulfilled Longings on Mother’s Day
What to do with all this longing? All of us are longing for something. We’re longing for a husband, we’re aching to have children, we’re aching for the ones we lost, we’re longing to be seen and known by our friends, to feel successful, we’re longing to feel like we’ve finally “made it.” (Whatever that means.)