Where Twin Stars Meet the Moon
A poem for pregnancy loss awareness month about my recent miscarriage of our twin stars, our last embryos from IVF we lost due to an unjust mental healthcare system
ivf
4 Coping Strategies for Infertility During the Holidays
On Christmas day, after an agonizing two week wait following in-vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments in New York, I’ll find out whether or not I’m pregnant. I didn’t plan it this way, my heart palpitating with anxiety during an already tender time, and yet like so many things with infertility, it was outside my control. For
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A Missionary’s Guide to Peace in Unrest
This entire year has been a year of clenching. Body curled inward, tight. Neck stiff, shoulders closed. Like many of you, it began with a move. Transition. That cavernous word. As global nomad’s, we call many places home and movement seems to be our mantra. Whether welcome or unwanted, whether reentering after living on the field, being
Surviving Infertility: The Other Side of Grief
Sometimes I can forget. How long I fought for him. How much grief I endured. This morning I held my son against my chest and breathed in his blonde hair, as if trying to inhale him into my body. He’s 17 months now, he’s a toddler tottering around on beach paths and mouthing words, throwing fits
What I Learned From a Pregnancy Dream Fulfilled
I got to see my baby today. He’s eight weeks and the size of a wild strawberry, tiny as a jelly bean with little limbs. The heart is already flickering at 172. I’d never seen my baby’s heartbeat. I’d never had a happy ultrasound. On the black and white screen this rainbow baby was hanging out upside
When You Have to Release Control
Surrender. It seems too delicate a word for me to understand, the syllables lilting off my tongue like failure, like giving up. Surrender seems cowardly, a tiny white flag of acquiescence. The signal that a battle is done. I’ve never been one to release control lightly. I’ve always been a fighter. I’ve always fought for what’s
Should Christians Choose IVF?
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been obsessed with “doing the right thing.” I wanted black and white, straight lines to divide the world because I wanted to be perfect and having rules meant knowing I was on the correct path. When it came to infertility and the subject of IVF, I wanted
How to Not Let the World Break You
I want to stay in bed in the Bible black pre dawn. I want to slip under the grey sheets in waves of dreams and forget that I know the news. Even before I wake, I know the sadness is coming, chasing me like a shadow. “This world will try and break you,” she says.
When Grieving is the Only Way Through Infertility
When I hold the baby and realize that it isn’t mine and I am not sure I will ever clasp feet that tiny in my hands, there is a small part of me that wants to walk to a building’s edge and simply step off and feel the fluttering of air before nothing else. It
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