This post was originally published on Velvet Ashes.
Dear Younger Self,
I wish I could go back and tell you that it’s good to take care of yourself—that people-pleasing, wanting to be perfect, and the good intentions that drive you to meet every need will eventually end up destroying you. You have the heart of a helper, and it’s amazing to witness how you love, but, somewhere along the way, the helping became your identity, and you lost yourself. You don’t know who you are without it.
You are so young and full of naivete and the drive to be better, do better, and give yourself away, and as beautiful as it is, it will also lead to compassion fatigue and burnout. I love your heart, and I love how you selflessly give to your community and your family, but I wish I could stop you, hold your hands, look into your eyes, and say, “It is enough. Rest now.”
I wish you could see all the incredible work you’ve done—that all your sacrifices, driving that woman to the hospital late at night or caring for that sick baby, have reaped a reward in Heaven.
I wish I could tell you that boundaries will save your life. They will be the very thing you were afraid to enforce, but also the thing that will set you and others around you free. You think you will lose people or disappoint your friends if you say no, but in fact, the very thing you’re so afraid of is what you most need.
In setting boundaries, like turning your phone off after work, not answering that email after office hours, and letting someone else pick up the slack, you will avoid the anger and resentment that violating your boundaries inevitably produces. You will think it’s mean at first. You will struggle to set them and be afraid others will pull back, but boundaries will make you more loving, more kind, more compassionate, and have more energy to give to God, yourself, your family, and your community. And while it may be awkward at first and others might resist, eventually they too will see that these boundaries protect you and them, because in setting boundaries, you resist the urge to control them.
Boundaries are what you will and won’t do, not what others will and won’t do, and this freedom will bring ease to your life and relationships. It will give those around you permission to care for themselves as well and they will make you a better person.
I wish you could know that self-care and self-love will be anchors that will lovingly hold you steady in life’s storms. They will tether you to compassion, kindness, empathy, and all the parts of you that you long to keep. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish; it’s the most loving thing you can do because, in healing and loving yourself, you have a greater capacity to heal and love the world. Taking a bath, reading a book, planting vegetables in your garden for healthy meals, going for a run, planning a date with your husband, singing your child to sleep, taking a vacation or sabbatical, picking up a hobby, laughing with your friends—all these things will increase the margin you need to fulfill your purpose. After some time, self-care will become a welcome friend. She will teach you who you are. She will hold you tightly to your identity. She will ensure you never lose yourself again.
You are not your work, your ministry, your calling, your sacrifice, your helping, or your martyrdom. You are body, soul, mind, spirit, and heart, and in taking care of these gifts God has given you, you will draw closer to his arms where you can rest. I know it’s been hard. I know there’s been trauma and PTSD, deaths of babies, broken dreams, people you loved who didn’t make it, cumulative grief, having to leave countries you loved, disappointments, and days where you felt there was not one more thing you could give. I know you’ve been tracing the hard edges of burnout for a while, too afraid to stop—that in stopping you would let people down, let yourself down. But it’s just not true. The truth is inside you and always has been. In listening to it, you’ll find the path back home to yourself.
I know reentry has been more disorientating than you thought it could ever be. There are days you still long for—days when you used to slice into an avocado and sip tea with women and talk for long hours when someone just dropped by to have a meal or conversation. I know you are stretched thin from the tension of living in two worlds, having your heart spread over continents.
You still feel out of place, a stranger in the land that used to be your home and a stranger to the people who used to know you best. Now you wander through cities and towns feeling like an alien, feeling you don’t belong anywhere. Now you know what those $100 jeans could buy: a whole month of food for your children’s home. It will get easier. Eventually, you will wake up to find you belong, that you’re a global nomad with a home in many places, and you will always be accepted in places where love was given away.
I wish I could go back and tell you I am proud of you, I love you, and I will never abandon you again for the sake of the call. I will always care for you and protect you. I will always see your value apart from your calling. You are a fusion of worlds, a warrior, a cross-cultural worker, an expat, and a lover, and you are exactly who you are and where you need to be right now.
Where have you seen boundaries bring life?
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